God
Bless America…Please!
By Grant
Callender
Magis staff writer
2004
is nearly three-quarters over and we Americans find ourselves
in a pretty little predicament: things are starting to suck
globally. Our presidential candidates have the self-restraint
of sixth-graders and the memory to match. European children
can still run academic circles (and accurately measure them)
around America’s average classroom Joe/Joanne, and we
are a seemingly endless source of comedy to the United Nations,
terrorists, and even Mother Nature. God Bless America, 'cause
we could really use it right about now.
The presidential election is turning out to be bleaker than
a Russian winter without vodka, and that’s using generous
terms. Since when did we revert to a “Point-the-Finger”
form of democracy? 1776? Oh. My mistake. And the nominees
for this year’s Most Powerful Individual Person in the
World are George W. Bush and John Kerry. President Bush, our
current president, is running for reelection on the basis
of “I didn’t screw us up that badly.” Senator
Kerry, a Vietnam veteran (in case you didn’t know),
served his country well. Very well. In fact, he served it
so well, the federal government gave him medals and awards
just as assurance that he would never stop until every American
knew exactly how many Purple Hearts he got (three, in case
you aren’t sick hearing it); then we might feel sorry
and elect him president. I’m sure glad I’m not
of voting age; I might persuade myself to vote for Ralph Nader.
The 2004 Summer Olympics were a brief respite from the tedium
of politics. Though the United States narrowly beat the communist
states in this year’s summer games, Athens is in ruins
(no pun intended) from all of the construction. Besides, terrorism
was such a threat that roughly half of all attendees were
undercover FBI, CIA, or Department of Homeland Security agents.
The stadiums for most events not involving Misty May were
emptier than the United State’s personal bank account,
which converts to approximately big trouble for the Olympic
National Committee. These dauntless planners expected big
revenue from tickets sales, but actually ended up making more
money with their hit stadium snack, “fish-on-a-stick.”
But it doesn’t end there, loyal readers (Mom, Dad).
The Secretary General of the United Nations, Kofi Annan, is
now calling our invasion of Iraq illegal. So, we go in to
a country whose citizenry are being tortured and killed by
their own ruler, depose him, and help the people set up an
interim government until they can hold free elections; isn’t
that the job of the United Nations?! We had been arguing with
Saddam Hussein for years! Nothing short of a good, old-fashioned,
American ass-kicking had worked before. The U.N. doesn’t
share our views. Don’t get me wrong-the U.N. helps millions
of unfortunate impoverished people worldwide; it’s just
that I get the feeling that Kofi Annan’s conviction
and determination spawn from the fact that there are militias
in the world that he cannot publicly condemn, the reason being
their unacceptable lack of CNN.
So, on an international level, our future looks pretty bleak.
But, now that I think about it, hasn't it always been this
bleak? As a bastion of freedom and opportunity, the rest of
the world envies what we call inalienable. Rise up and defend
what our great country was founded for!
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